Because I Felt Like Sharing

As an aspiring writer, I have a need for feedback that borders on the pathological. However, because of that "aspiring" qualifier in my previous sentence, I am terrified of offering up something still in progress for feedback.

On the one hand, it would be nice to know if I'm on the right track. On the other, it needs so much work and I don't want people seeing it and yeesh.

Yeah, you can see the dilemma.

But I'm bored and antsy tonight. So against my better judgement, I'm offering up this little snippet. Have at it, kids:

Eventually the Witch broke eye contact with Allie and stepped back, appraising the two kids with one withering glance. “You children want easy answers. Well, I’m not about to just hand them to you on a silver platter. You think you’re so intelligent? Figure it out on your own.”

Lillian Blackstone sniffed and turned on her heels, preparing to walk (or float or whatever) out of the room. “You know what, lady? Nothing about this is easy!” Allie hollered, the anger dripping in her tone. Then she blinked, clearly surprised by her outburst.

The Black Widow paused in her tracks for a split second before whirling around and fixing a terrifying, furious glare on the girl. When she stepped forward again, Charlie inched closer to his best friend, fumbled for her hand, and grasped it tightly. “You forget your place, child,” Lillian grumbled, her low register sending a deep shudder down Charlie’s spine.

To his complete surprise, Allie held her ground. Though her hand trembled like crazy when she pushed her glasses back up on the bridge of her nose, she didn’t break eye contact with Lillian. “I forget my place? You’re just an angry, bitter old woman who died decades ago! You shouldn’t even be here right now! You’re the one who’s forgotten her place.”

Fury burned in the Witch’s eyes, her lower jaw jutting out, as she gritted her teeth and clenched her hands into fists. “In my day, children had respect for their elders.” That self-satisfied smirk curling back onto her lips, she raised her arm and held up her hand, palm out, in front of Allie. The girl dropped to her knees, crying out in agony and wrapping her arms around her stomach.

“Allie!” Charlie knelt down next to his best friend, trying to pry hands away from her stomach so he could see what was wrong. The Witch lowered her arm and Allie stopped whimpering, although she was quite clearly still in pain. “What did you do to her?!” Charlie cried, glaring up at the Witch.

“She’ll be fine,” Lillian replied in an off-handed tone. “Sometimes a little force is necessary to keep children in line.”

I kind of already don't like the rhyme in the last lines there, but I don't know how to reword it. I don't feel like a woman who died in the 1920s would say "okay." I could perhaps use "all right" but that somehow doesn't have the same dismissive connotation as a simple "fine." *shrug*

Taglines and Summaries

Editing is still going and going slowly. I wish I could say I was happier with the voice, but it remains my mortal enemy. (I also wish I could say the previous sentence was just me being overdramatic but it certainly doesn't feel like it right now, hee.)

I know I need to loosen up and just let the words flow but letting go is kind of hard. I keep feeling like it needs to be, you know, perfect, and anything less than perfect is insanely frustrating.

Anyway.

The purpose of this post is to have a little bit of fun. I realized earlier that if I ever get The Witch of November into a publishable state, I'm also going to need to create a tagline and a summary. At least for shopping it around (the very idea of which scares the crap out of me ... just saying.)

And it also occurred to me that although I've talked about it all before, I don't think I've ever actually come right out and said what it's about. So, consider yourselves in the know now!

First, the tagline. You know, that one sentence on the cover that's supposed to entice people to pick it up, turn it over, and read the summary on the back?

A small Maine fishing town harbors a dark legend.

Or something to that effect.

Now onto the summary.

Eleven-year-old Allie Sullivan is afraid of pretty much everything, especially the hulking abandoned house on Lancaster Road. Unfortunately for her, her best friend Charlie Davis has decided to make the house their hangout for the summer. He wants to search the old rooms for treasures left behind but she just wants to get the heck out before they meet up with the Black Widow, the ghost said to haunt the building.

Charlie is convinced that the town legend is simply that but when he falls into a coma after venturing into the master bedroom, Allie knows that the Black Widow is real and, for some reason, has set her sights on her friend. Now Allie has to face her fears in order to figure out the mystery surrounding the old house -- because attempting to save Charlie from the Black Widow's clutches is just the beginning.

Again, or something to that effect.

How does that sound? Does it make you want to read it? (Please say yes!)